While Domestic Abusers Have a Common Playbook, Law Enforcement Struggles to See It
There is an opportunity for the true crime community to do more to educate people about domestic violence and hold law enforcement accountable
By Jessica Cash and Ellie Taylor
An abuser’s common playbook is as insidious as it is ingenious.
The common plays go a little like this: Separating the victim from the people and activities that make up their world; they find little frustrations to prevent them from engaging in positive activities and, sometimes, even from keeping a job to earn their own money.
With every relationship shut down, most of the pathways that could help get them away from their abuser closed, it is easier to gaslight them into believing they need their abuser and can never leave them.
Then, the abuser often love-bombs the victim with affection, painting themselves as the perfect partner. This slowly builds an attachment to the abuser and eventually one to the abuser alone. This leaves the victim’s once full world void of anything but their abuser.
Love Bombing is a push-and-pull situation, a circle that teaches the victim to do the abusers' bidding because if they don’t, then they will be in hell, but if they do, then they will be in heaven. Psychologists call this Moving Away, Moving Against and Moving Toward - a cycle entirely designed to leave a victim feeling isolated and further dependent on them.
From there, the abuse often transforms from manipulation and coercive control, which is bad enough that it grows into physical violence, and for some, it ends in murder.
In one example, Shana Grice, a 19-year-old British woman, was murdered by an ex-partner who became a stalker after she had repeatedly reported him to the police. On one occasion, the police fined her for “wasting police time.” Eventually, her ex-boyfriend waited until Shana was home alone, let himself in, slit her throat and set fire to her bedroom.
In the United States, Gabby Petito, a bright, lively and animated young woman was murdered in 2021 by her fiancé, Brian Laundrie. Gabby’s relationship with him started as a promising fulfillment of some of her dreams and she eventually followed him to Florida, where she thrived at first but increasingly became more isolated from her support system. The couple took a trip she had dreamed of across the country promoting her YouTube channel. Along the way, two witnesses in Utah called the police to report that they saw Gabby’s boyfriend slapping and hitting her. When Gabby and Laundrie were pulled over by police responding to that call, the officers failed to see the signs and react appropriately, which ended tragically. Gabby was beaten and strangled to death a few days later.
Domestic Violence and the Murder of Harshita Bella
That's what happened to Harshita Brella, a 24-year-old woman from the United Kingdom who authorities say was murdered by the one person who should have loved and protected her: her husband, Pankaj Lamba.
Violence against women has become a global epidemic and in the United Kingdom alone, 29 percent of women experience physical or sexual intimate partner violence, or both, according to the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women.
Still, according to the United Kingdom Office for National Statistics, they estimate that, in the period of March 2023 to March 2024, an estimated 2.3 million people were victims of domestic abuse, but only 1.4 million of those people reported their abuse to police. Out of the 1.4 million who reported abuse, only 39,000 of those ended in convictions. Some of the underreporting is no doubt related to the shame that is associated with domestic violence. But part of what perpetuates that shame are the reactions that people receive from friends, family and law enforcement.
Murders of women may get some news coverage, but rarely is the systemic challenge of domestic violence shared in detail (for resources and educational materials on domestic violence, check out the resources from the foundation that Gabby’s parents started).
And Harshita’s case is instructive about both the cost of these reactions and inaction.
Here’s the thing about Harshita – she had no plans to move to Corby, England, which is about two hours north of London. She didn’t even intend on getting married any time soon. She had just completed her teaching qualifications and was planning to become a Hindi teacher. At that time Harshita was happily living in New Delhi with her family. But her life would change dramatically in 2023 when a marriage broker approached her parents with the possibility of an arranged marriage to Pankaj Lamba.
At the time, Harshita’s family thought Pankaj seemed like a good match for Harshita. Her father, Satbir, even said that as his daughter did not want to rush into marriage, it seemed to be a good thing that Pankaj was based abroad, because it would slow things down. So, Harshita agreed to the arranged marriage and the couple were married in a civil ceremony in August 2023, so that they could begin her visa application to move to the U.K. The couple followed that up with a larger religious wedding with both of their families present in Delhi on March 22, 2024. A little more than a month later, the couple moved to Corby, on April 30.
Things began to unravel as soon as Harshita and Lamba touched down at Heathrow airport. in the U.K. Harshita and her family were under the false impression that Lamba had a more important job than his actual role as a security guard and part-time pizza delivery driver. She was thousands of miles away, in an unfamiliar country, separated from her family and the rest of her support network, with the husband she barely knew - and their relationship had started out with a lie.
Harshita’s family told The Times of London that Lamba forced her to work long hours in a packing plant, “demanded to see her pay slip to see if she was working extra hours, insisted on doing the shopping himself so she did not have access to money, and punished her if she bought treats, such as chocolate.”
In August 2024, according to these reports, Harshita’s abuse at the hands of Lamba escalated and appeared to become intolerable. She had only been in the U.K. for four months, which as we noted, increased her vulnerability. But that isn’t the only reason for her concern. She was concerned about the potential impact on her immigration status if she left Lamba.
Despite these concerns, on August 28, she told her family about the abuse. Her sister, Sonia Dabas, said that “the run-up to it was beatings by Pankaj over nothing.” Harishita’s father said his daughter called him crying and said that Lamba had beaten her badly. Her mother, Sudesh, said that Lamba was making Harshita’s life miserable. Her mother last said that Harishta told her that she would not go back to him, adding, that she said, “He will kill me."
Sonia said that the triggering event for Harshita to overcome her fears and tell her family what was happening was an incident in which Lamba was beating her, and she ran out of the house. He followed her and continued to beat her in the street. The Times reported that “a passerby stopped to ask what was going on, and that stopped him.”
Apparently, this big, strong man was only tough enough to beat his wife behind closed doors.
Harshita called a friend to pick her up, and the next day, the two of them reported Lamba to the police. He was arrested five days later, on September 3, and Harshita was placed in a British women’s refuge, also commonly known in some places as a shelter.
Lamba was released on conditional bail – which means he would be allowed to be free if he met certain conditions. Harshita was also granted a domestic violence protection order against him, which stated that he was not to do anything to “harass, pester or intimidate her.”. But according to her family, while she was still in the shelter, she received phone calls from Lamba’s relatives - while she was already feeling unsettled there. Her sister, Sonia Debas, told The Times that “it was a massive building of eight or nine rooms, and Harshita was totally, absolutely alone there.”
As is often the case, the perpetrator’s family appears to have gotten involved in the abuse. Lamba’s parents began badgering and bullying Harshita to drop her complaint against him; Swayed by the pressure from her in-laws, Harshita did just that, and found a rented room to stay in, just a two-minute walk away from Lamba and the marital home. She stayed in the refuge for less than two weeks. The domestic violence protection order expired after 28 days.
As illustrated by Gabby, Shanna and Harishta’s lives and deaths, criminal justice research says the most dangerous time for a woman experiencing intimate partner abuse is when she is trying to leave. On October 1, a little less than a month after the arrest, Harshita Brella was left unprotected from her alleged abuser. Just a matter of weeks later, on November 10, she was, at least according to the police, murdered by Pankaj Lamba.
In the early hours of November 14, Harshita’s body was found. She had been strangled and left in the trunk of Lamba's car in Ilford, East London.
Investigators later discovered that she had decided to take a walk with him around a lake. He was soon named the prime suspect, and on March 19, he was charged with her murder, two counts of rape, sexual assault and controlling or coercive behavior. Members of his family were charged in connection with the murder The police believe that Lamba drove the car approximately 100 miles to conceal her body. Lamba is known to have fled the country to India.
Eventually, four Northamptonshire local police officers faced misconduct charges for the way they handled Harshita’s case.
A month after Harshita’s murder, police in Delhi, the Indian province that includes New Delhi, were aware that Lamba and his family were in the country but said that UK authorities had not asked for their arrest despite seven emails sent by local officers in Delhi to the UK authorities.
Harshita is far from alone.
It’s clear that our current system is not working; it lets women down and forces them to drop complaints when their abuser ignores the protection order against them; it’s part of the reason domestic abuse conviction rates are so low. Less than a month after Pankaj Lamba was arrested for domestic abuse - crimes he is now charged with - he was free to go back to Harshita unencumbered by pesky little things like a domestic violence protection order or the law. And go back, he did.
We need to do better.
We need to stop throwing pieces of paper like domestic violence protection orders at the problem, and we need to put our hearts, minds and resources behind effective solutions. We need to talk more about domestic violence so the victims know that there are avenues to safety and that potential abusers can recognize their behaviors before they do harm. We need to fund shelters and other housing alternatives for the people who are trying to escape. We need to educate the public and law enforcement, including police, prosecutors and judges who so often fail victims. A key element to that is starting a broader public conversation around the topic, which is what cases like those of Harshita and Gabby have done.
Ending our silence and our ignorance, whether we are just uninformed or whether we are being intentionally obtuse, is the best way to honor them. Because Harshita Brella took the hardest step, she reached out to her family. She reached out to the police and the courts. But their silence and their pieces of paper did nothing but let her down.
Jessica Cash and Ellie Taylor are the hosts of the Version of Events true crime podcast. If you are a victim of domestic violence or need resources for someone you care about click here or here.